SATIRE: Dr. Barbara Jones Commends the IB for its Tradition of Torturing Children
Andrew Liu (ISB ‘19 Alumus)
Having completed the IB diploma, ISB alumnus Andrew Liu is currently a freshman at college. A fledgling comedian, his satirical piece parodies those of The Onion, which features masterpieces such as “Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe.” Like articles on The Onion, Andrew’s 2018 piece makes hilarious and absurd jabs at the student climate that surrounds the IBDP.
Disclaimer: The following is a comedic piece and does not represent the views of both ISB and Buddy. Almost all statistics and names used in the article were fabricated for the purpose of hyperbole and humor.
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – After spending the weekend down in Lucifer’s lair, developing the course reforms for the IB Diploma Program, head of curriculum innovation, Dr. Barbara Jones, announced her support for the organization’s tradition of torturing young children. “IB schools are uniquely positioned to be role models of other institutions”, reported the IB World Schools Official Yearbook – the IBO’s ministry of propaganda. “The world is crying out for an approach to education that is in tune with each child’s unique needs and skills”, Jones added, as the graduation rate hit a record low of 49% during the past year.
Perhaps the world was crying out to pass the program.
Jones’ comments have proven popular amongst other notable figures in the Satanist community, including chief director Alfred Windsor, who replied, “I remain confident that this is the right path for students. It is a highly effective means to prepare students for further education.” – a sugar-coated way of saying “I, too, would like to see them suffer.”
On the other hand, there has been strong anti-IB sentiment growing from students across the world. Bujar Abdullah, a senior student at the Peking Academy of Applied Sciences, whose six exams are approaching in a week, protested in dismay during a recent interview: “This year has been the most miserable in my life… through my Psychology IB course I've unofficially diagnosed myself with depression.[BP[1] ” With exam season approaching, sleep deprivation has become the norm, with students often getting as little as 3 hours of sleep a night. As students’ mental and emotional health deteriorate, complaints about work overload and discussions of existentialism have since flooded the internet – with page headlines such as “IB Stuff I Hate The Most”, “IB: Tool or Torture”, and “IB: What’s the point of life?”, to name a few. With reference to the Learner Profile, Jones mentions that “students exhibit personal concern for people,” which is most certainly true, considering that life in hell really does bring forth a sense of collective empathy for each other’s struggles. Towards that end, the IB may be quite effective at achieving its goals.
“I've unofficially diagnosed myself with depression”
Perhaps more importantly, students have protested about the immense time and effort that the diploma program demands from them. Many students, like Abdullah himself, have found it difficult to develop a work-life balance and to pursue personal passions. “Recently I started to realize that in order to study so hard, I gave up the things in my life that really mattered to me,” says Abdullah, “I stopped writing completely. Writing is my greatest passion and it's what I see myself doing for the rest of my life… Writing is something that takes time, and IB does not allow its participants extraneous time.”
Nevertheless, defendants of the program have remained firm in their stance, stating that “Students must learn how to manage their time properly”. Funnily enough, in the eyes of most students, effective time management essentially implies doing everything that counts as summative and forgoing the rest. If anything, the program teaches students what to prioritize. The message is quite simple: No matter what you might be thinking of doing – be that discovering a passion or getting some rest after 48 hours of no sleep – grades are always first. Sleep is overrated, but getting that 7 in IB English is what will guarantee admissions into selective universities. By the end of the two years, students will (hopefully) graduate and work for another 4 years in college doing the same thing.
(From user drainbox on Reddit)
Needless to say, with the IB program, student efficiency has skyrocketed. Students who would usually play video games behind the teacher’s back during Physics class now spend class time doing work from other courses. With the diploma program, students are guaranteed to have something to do.
That said, despite numerous complaints, the executive board has remained uncompromising in their policies. Curriculum structure, for the past few years, has been unchanged.
“There aren’t even that many important aspects of the diploma students have to commit to.” By “not many”, she is referring to all the hours of regular coursework, plus a 6-page IA for up to three classes, plus 150 hours of mandatory service, plus a 4000-word extended essay – in which most students would score a C no matter how hard they tried. “No big deal, really,” says Jones.
“No big deal, really”
The organization is expected to celebrate its 50th anniversary in early 2018. By this time, exam results will be announced. Students can expect to either be relieved from 2 years of painstaking work or utter devastation.
As of now, there is no apparent intention to make any changes to the current curriculum. Students should expect to see the same structure persist for years to come, as, quite unfortunately, their words have come to deaf ears.
