The Bach-elorette: Which Classical Composer is the One for You?
Asher Sevy (G10)
The first song Asher learned on the piano was “Pepperoni Pizza.” He still hasn’t come very far from then, but his love for music has stayed the same. In this fifth installment of his Buddy! career, Asher introduces a couple of well-known classical composers—but not in the way you’d be expecting...
*cue jazzy intro music*
Are you looking for love, but haven’t found the one for you just yet? Do you love classical music? And most importantly, do you find old famous dead guys extremely hot? If so, then this is the show for you!
Good evening, folks, and welcome to... drumroll please... The BACH-elorette! (...yes, as in Johann Sebastian)
Here’s how this is gonna work. I’m gonna present you with five different contestants, and it’s up to YOU (that’s right, YOU) to decide which one is the one for you! Are you ready to Get Your Love On?
Alright, let’s introduce our contestants!
CONTESTANT #1
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: The Party Animal
Our first contestant is an exciting one. Give him a hand folks!
If you love to party, then Mozart is the one for you! When it comes to fun, Mozart doesn’t do things by halves—or rather, half notes. Even his baptized name is exciting! You know you’re destined for a life of thrills when your name is Joannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.
Born in Austria as the youngest of seven kids, Mozart knew he needed to stand out. He started playing piano at age 3, and started composing his own songs at age 4. Now that’s some commitment there! He and his sister Nannerl performed as child prodigies --- for ROYALTY. That’s how talented our man Mozzie was. So if you’re into piano wizards with long names, then hold on to your powdered wigs, because his life gets even more exciting from here!
Mozart started steadily growing his fanbase, and became employed as a court musician due to his large number of friends and admirers. Mozart is the kinda guy that loves to live in the present (or in our case, the past), and so once he started making money, he began spending it immediately. Mozart’s always running out of money, but financial instability is one of the things that makes life more of an adventure, isn’t it?
So anyway, later Mozart got in an argument with an archbishop (like a bishop, but arch), because Mozart didn’t like how he was being treated as basically a musical servant. Only the best for the best, right? Mozart got mad and got fired. What’s more, he specifically got fired “with a kick in the arse.” Mozart went solo from then on. But good on him for standing up for himself! If I were you, I’d want Mo of that Zart!
Later, our party animal fell in love with a girl named Aloysia Weber, but as he had no money, she rejected him. So he hit on her sister! That’s what I call resourcefulness. Mozart and Constanze started courting (old-fashioned dating), but briefly broke up because her dad kinda didn’t like him. But then they eventually got married, bought a huge house, and started livin’ the good life! However, Mozart still wasn’t super good at saving money, and they started becoming poorer. Mozzie took out a lot of loans to keep up his partyin’ lifestyle, and eventually he started making more money again. He also started selling dance music so that other people could party as hard as he could! He continued to breeze through life — until he suddenly became sick and died. Ah, if only he had spent more money on healthcare...
If it’s not clear already, Mozart’s easily the most fun-loving of the five, and you better be careful or he might end up stealing your mo-heart!
CONTESTANT #2
Ludwig van Beethoven: King of the Friend Zone
Next up, we have... Beethoven!
*crickets chirping*
Beethoven, you’re on! What’s that? Oh right, he can’t hear us.
Ludwig van Beethoven (you can call him Ludwig) may seem a little unappealing, but he’s sweet and caring on the inside. Talented and ambitious, he’s really quite the romantic — that is, if he could ever get in a relationship.... but better late than never!
At a young age, Beethoven was forced to “get good” at piano — via his dad paying people to yell at him until he improved. Young Ludwig often cried about how harsh they were. Granted, crying about having to do work isn’t typically regarded as attractive to most women, or most people for that matter, but hey - our boy Ludwig was a sensitive man [the rare kind of male, that has feelings ;)].
After his first performance at age seven, he started studying under Christian Gottlob Neefe (what a fun name!). It wasn’t long before Beethoven started becoming quite famous: he composed countless songs, received commissions from bigwigs like a dude named Prince Lichnowsky (another fun name!), and even participated in piano “duels” against other musicians (and crushed all of them). So yeah, life was going pretty well for Ludwig. But then... well... he took a shot at romance.
In 1899, Beethoven started tutoring the daughters of a wealthy countess, and fell in love with the younger daughter Josephine. Despite his HUGE crush on her (and the fifteen love letters he sent her), he was poor, and so Josephine ended up instead marrying a rich guy named Count Deym who was TWENTY-SEVEN years older than her. Thus began Beethoven’s entrance into the first of many such friendzones to come.
Two years later, Beethoven met a girl named Julie Guicciardi, another piano student. And here’s the awkward part — he actually met her through Josephine’s family! What’s more, Julie was Josephine’s freakin’ COUSIN. Beethoven did what he does best and went into full-on simp mode, writing letters about her to his friend Franz Wegeler and even dedicating his famous Moonlight Sonata to her. But, once again, he was a commoner, so he had to give up once again. Good on him for trying, though!
As you can see, Ludwig’s gotta lotta reasons to be grumpy. So he was. And in 1798, a year before he met Josephine, he had gotten into a petty argument with a singer and went into an actual FIT. After that, his hearing was never the same again, and Beethoven believed that he got so mad that he just started going deaf. So, that literally shows the importance of taking a chill pill, because apparently salty people are more likely to go deaf. Science!
Well, he really wasn’t increasing his chances of getting a relationship at all. But, as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. He wrote the Piano Sonata No. 24, and dedicated it to Therese, Josephine’s SISTER. Not only that, but he wrote a TEN-PAGE love letter addressed to his “Immortal Beloved,” which was never actually sent. Probably because he knew that he’d probably just get friendzoned again. Anyway, it’s still debated by historians who the letter was actually intended for. The list of possible candidates is SUPER long, including Josephine Brunsvik, Antonie Brentano, Julie Guicciardi, Therese Brunsvik, Amalie Sebald, Dorothea von Ertmann, Therese Malfatti, Anna Maria Erdõdy, and Bettina von Arnim. So nobody’s really sure who the letter was ACTUALLY for, but does it matter? Spoiler alert: Beethoven never ended up getting married anyway! Which means he’s still single, if you’re wondering ;)
Now, about one of these women, Therese Malfatti: Beethoven wrote his famous song Für Elise which he dedicated to her in a kind of ancient flirting method. She was nineteen at the time; he was FORTY. And yes, she rejected him. Which is kinda embarrassing because it’s one of his most famous songs to this day. But hey, that means that he’ll love you no matter if you’re twenty-one years younger than him!
While in Teplitz (where he wrote the “Immortal Beloved“ poem), he met a man named Goethe, who described Beethoven as being very talented, and “is not altogether wrong in holding the world to be detestable, but surely does not make it any more enjoyable... by his attitude.” So yeah, the rejections were a little too numerous. Anyway, Beethoven was almost completely deaf by 1814, and he died in 1827 with health problems and a still-unfulfilled love life. Maybe he could’ve been more successful if he didn’t focus so much on music, or if he aimed a little lower and went for a commoner instead of all these rich women who were WAYYY out of his league. But I guess we’ll never know.
It’s as they say: Love is blind — and Beethoven is deaf.
CONTESTANT #3
Johann Sebastian Bach: The K A R E N
Third on our list is an oldie but a goodie: Johann Bach! (And when I say oldie, I MEAN oldie.)
If you’re into trendsetters with... ahem... flavorful personalities, then Bach is the man for you. Born in Eisenach, Germany in 1685 from a large family of musicians, Bach grew up to be one of the most influential composers of all time. He was orphaned at age ten, and then sent to live at a church in Ohrdruf with his 32-year-old brother, which may or may not have impacted him just a little bit, because his distinct lack of normal parenting led him to become a bit of an argumentative guy. Bach was forbidden to copy musical scores onto paper because it was too costly, and scores were very private (and very valuable), but this is Bach we’re talking about. He exercised his rights and freedom as a citizen of Germany and elected to copy down not his music but OTHER people’s music - including his brother’s - onto expensive paper. Back then, this was probably the equivalent of refusing to wear a mask “because you have rights,” or in other words, “just because you don’t want to.” Anyway, I digress. As you can see, Bach is the kind of guy that’s gonna go somewhere in the world (or at least complain about it).
The fun doesn’t stop there. After six YEARS of learning music from celebrities and wasting a WHOLE LOT OF PAPER (i guess it’s his right to kill trees too?), he and his friend Georg Erdmann enrolled in St. Michael’s School in Luneburg (only a two week commute). And they got there on FOOT. As your generous dating show host, I took the liberty of doing extensive research (AKA I searched it up) and hiking from Ohrdruf to Luneburg is about a 300 kilometer hike, or around 186 miles. So this goes to show that Bach would walk 186 miles for you---as long as you are a school.
Now let’s hop on “bach” to his story! During his two years spent at the school, Bach studied, played the organ and harpsichord, and sang in the school choir. He was quite the musician, but don’t count on him serenading you, because this guy was more of the “bad boy” type. In fact, after graduating and becoming the organist for the New Church in Arnstadt, he developed a bit of a, shall we say, temper. But hey, some girls dig that!
Bach liked music, but apparently not the way the choir sang it. And over several years, his toxicity levels were rising once again. He started throwing insults at choir members, calling one a “weenie bassoon player,” which is both the weirdest insult ever and offensive to bassoon players. Apparently it was super offensive in German, and the student he roasted, named Geyserbach, went after Bach with a STICK. And our man Bach, well, he descended into full-on Karen mode once again, filing a complaint against Geyserbach to the authorities like all good Karens do.
Over time, people started getting annoyed by Bach being Bach, and so he was, at one point, put in JAIL. Yeah, that’s right. But apparently, he annoyed the guards so much that they let him go free after only a MONTH. He literally annoyed them into letting him go on an “unfavorable discharge”. Dat man’s got dem skillz!
Later, Bach SOMEHOW started working for the KING of POLAND. But he frequently argued with the city council that he wasn’t being paid enough and that they were “penny-pinching”. He probably threw money at them or something and then accused them of stealing. Sounds like our dear Karen— I mean... Bach.
Bach eventually died due to malpractice from his eye surgeon John Taylor, who is thought to have blinded hundreds of people in the past. If Bach were still alive, he’d probably sue. So, if you’re into argumentative Karens who love exercising their rights to annoy other people, then you’d better travel “bach” in time and get with this guy! Just make sure not to get into an argument with him.
CONTESTANT #4
Frédéric Chopin: The Heartthrob
Alright, folks, we’re already more than halfway through our contestants. Time flies when you’re on a dating show, huh?
Next up, we have Chopin!
[now is the time for you to applaud for Chopin]
If Mozart’s the hot older brother, then Chopin is the even HOTTER younger brother... or older brother that’s still younger than the oldest brother, because they’re both old, and one is older, and one is younger, but neither is the youngest because we’re younger than both of them, and they’re older than both of us, and... where was I?
Anyway, Chopin is basically the celebrity of the classical world, so if you’re into fame, fortune, and dying early, then Chopin is the ChoMAN for you!
Born in Poland, Chopin liked to fly solo, and most of the compositions he wrote were for solo piano. A poetic genius and child prodigy, he was sometimes invited over to Belweder Palace, home of the ruler of Russian Poland, for playdates with the Grand Duke’s son. Talk about being famous!
In 1829, while on vacation in Warsaw, he fell in love with a singer named Konstancja Gładkowska, and he wrote passionately about her in letters to friends. In a farewell concert for Chopin, she sang one of the songs, and they exchanged their rings afterwards, which I guess is an old way of flirting? She also wrote an intimate message to him in one of his albums. Then the two broke up and never met again. Later, he met the Wodziński family, who he had known back in Warsaw. He immediately fell in love with Girl Number Two, their daughter Maria. He proposed, and they got engaged, but her father refused the engagement due to Chopin’s poor health and their relationship ended only a year after. You’d think Choppy’s high-profile love life would end here, right? NOPE. It’s only the beginning...
In 1836, Chopin met a French author named Aurore Dupin, who normally went by her pen name George Sand. They fell in love, but after a rocky relationship and an unfortunate vacation in Majorca (we don’t talk about Majorca), the two eventually split up. Chopin also had a love-hate rivalry with his friend Franz Liszt. Liszt had a mistress who was OBSESSED with Chopin, and Chopin started getting worried because Liszt had become good friends with George Sand. Also, a lot of Chopin’s music was inspired by several women he was in love with. So yeah, high-profile love life, am I right?
And then, nearing the end of Chopin’s life, Sand took care of him, and established a sort of awkward mother-son relationship. He met a woman named Jane Stirling, who was SUPER into him, but, being a celebrity, he was just like, “Meh.” Chopin got sicker and sicker, eventually dying at the young age of thirty-nine. With his exciting personal life, celebrity status, and perpetual poor health (or as I call it, Cho-PAIN), Chopin’s always the kind of guy who makes your pulse quicken when you’re around him! Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a pulse anymore.
CONTESTANT #5
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky: The Emo Boi
And last but not least, we have our fifth and final contestant: Tchaikovsky!
Now, Tchaikovsky is probably the most relatable of the five, which means that he will always empathize with you on anything — especially if your mom dies. But that’s besides the point...
Tchai had a hard childhood, being sent off to boarding school at a young age. Then... his mom died. And then... his best friend died. But it didn’t stop him from becoming one of the most famous composers of all time. Of course, Tchaikovsky, like many composers, didn’t start out famous. Actually, he came from a family with a long history of military service, and he enrolled in the Imperial School of Jurisprudence at age ten, where he spent nine years (basically another lifetime) studying to be a civil servant. While there, Tchai continued his piano lessons and messed around on a harmonium (pump organ) a bit with his friends, but his career didn’t begin to skyrocket until 1867.
Now, being away from his family for so long (and probably also the news of his mother’s death) impacted Tchaikovsky, and he became a bit of an emo kid. He was frequently moody, antisocial, liked to be alone, had a disdain for public life, expressed himself through emotional music, and wore a lot of black clothing — or maybe that’s just because photos back then weren’t in color. Anyways...
Surprisingly, Tchaikovsky had lifelong stage fright, but this didn’t stop him from sharing his music with the world. From 1867 to 1878, during what I like to call his “moody phase”, Tchaikovsky travelled around the world, composing music and — most importantly — criticizing other people’s music. He said that Johannes Brahms’s music was overrated, Robert Shumann’s music was poorly orchestrated, and Wilhelm Richard Wagner’s opera Das Rheingold was just a load of “unlikely nonsense.” Tchaikovsky also frequently mentioned his disdain of Russian opera. Probably because he’d be more into emo music anyway.
Tchaikovsky struggled with depression for a lot of his life, and his early death at age 53 is credited by some to be a suicide. Tchaikovsky was also believed to be homosexual, which was difficult during his time, because members of the LGBTQ community were not as accepted back then. He never ended up marrying a man, but he did end up marrying his former student Antonina Miliukova. Their marriage ended badly, and so Tchaikovsky turned to his music for company instead.
Throughout the rest of his life, Tchaikovsky threw himself into making music. He’s very much the artist, and so if you’re into emotional broody guys, then Tchai is the gai for you!
Conclusion
These five classical studs are only a couple of the many famous composers of their era, but they’re some of the most interesting! Maybe not in terms of dating material, but hey! Everyone’s gotta have someone. Classical music has started to become less popular these days, and is being replaced by genres such as rock, pop, and rap. But even if you’re probably not going to date these famous old dead guys, it’s still cool to learn about them because they’re some of the fathers of music. Without partyman Mozart, single-as-a-pringle Beethoven, zesty Bach, celebrity crush Chopin, and emo boi Tchaikovsky, music as we know it wouldn’t even exist. Or, at least, it wouldn’t be as... interesting. Many people think of classical music as boring, but one thing’s for sure — Classical composers are the least boring people probably ever.
Alright, that wraps up today’s episode of The Bach-elorette! See you next time!
Works Cited
“Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyotr_Ilyich_Tchaikovsky.
“List of compositions by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.” Wikipedia,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_compositions_by_Pyotr_Ilyich_Tchaikovsky.
“Frédéric Chopin.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fr%C3%A9d%C3%A9ric_Chopin.
Image of Chopin. Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Frederic_Chopin_photo.jpeg.
“Ludwig van Beethoven.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludwig_van_Beethoven.
“Johann Sebastian Bach.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Sebastian_Bach.
“Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfgang_Amadeus_Mozart.
Illustration of Mozart. Wikimedia Commons, https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wolfgang-amadeus-mozart_1.jpg.
“Josephine Brunsvik.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josephine_Brunsvik.
“Julie Guicciardi.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_Guicciardi.
“Immortal Beloved.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immortal_Beloved.
“Maria Wodzińska.” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Wodzi%C5%84ska.
Google search result for “how far is it from ohrdruf to luneburg.” Google, https://www.google.com.hk/search?q=how+far+is+it+from+ohrdruf+to+luneburg.